Take a deep breath…

Take a deep breath, it is a bad day not a bad life!

 

I saw this quote and it sort of sums up how I am currently feeling. After my apology post, I thought right get your head together and start writing some of the posts you’ve got stored up in your head. I’ve got some wonderful things to tell you all about what my children have been up to in the Easter Holidays with their dad, to an amazing once in lifetime experience we all had last weekend and lots of other small tidbits about us that I wanted to share. What do they say about the road paved with good intentions, and all that, because life sometimes gets in the way! I am going to follow this with some blog posts about what we have been up to because its important for me to continue sharing, and open up a little but for now, I have to share some sad news.

Sadly two weekends ago, we got the awful and sad news that my father-in-law had passed away whilst visiting his girlfriend abroad. So much have happened in these last few weeks, so much has made me feel sad, guilty, lonely and unlucky. So much so that I do have to take a deep breath and remind myself that this isn’t my life as a whole, I will always have bad days, this is life but it is how you move on from them that makes you, you! I have always survived those and I am sure I will continue to survive many more obstacles, and I hope I can always remind myself just how lucky and blessed I am, and even though we have to fight every day to face struggles, grief and sadness, there is so much beauty and love in the world too. Always something we can be thankful for and something to remind me why it is so important to carry on.

Currently, it is the love for my children and husband. Mr BC has so much going on and you can physically see the sadness in his eyes at the loss of his father, and he is currently living one day at a time, just trying to get through and organise getting his father home, organising memorials and services, and supporting his brother and sister. I am back at home, carrying on with life, making sure the children go to school, get fed and aren’t too sad with everything going on. I am sad and grieving but children don’t process things the way adults do, so for us its so important for them to have a bit of normalcy, continuation of the usual things we do, and I think this has made it a bit easier for me. As I don’t have much time during the day, as I am always on one task or another especially this week with an extra child*** I’ll get to that in a minute***, I don’t wallow in grief and feel sorry for myself, but I do still get to remember Grandad (father in law) for happier times. Every time I look at my children for a start, they loved Grandad and they will continue to live and explore and entertain us, and Grandad would have loved that. Mr BC is caught up in everything to do with his dad, and when he isn’t planning or travelling around the world he has time to think about things. He is grieving his loss, which is a good thing but he also has time to think about all the things his dad is missing out on, and guilt for things he didn’t get to do, and sadness for a life taken too soon. I am not sure if I am lucky that I have to carry on as normal as possible for the children and so I don’t have to think all these things right now, or if dealing with it all now and processing it all now is the better option. I don’t have an answer, and I don’t think anyone does, we are all just trying  our best to move forward, and do what we can, when we can.

My sister -in- law has traveled with Mr BC and I offered to babysit my niece, so along with grieving, missing my husband and keeping it together for my own children, I have a two year old again to contend with. I am happy to have her though, in fact we are having a good time, its really nice to spend some time with her, as we live quite far away and don’t get much time together, and its nice having  little one around again. The kids love having their little cousin around, and I have a few days off work to spend with her which is wonderful. It is tiring having to wake up in the night again, and changing nappies on a regular basis is not something I thought I would ever get to do again.

As much as I miss Mr BC, I know he needed to do this, and I am happy he has his brother and sister with him for support. It must be hard for Mr BC’s sister to leave her baby with us, because I know I couldn’t do it. But I am enjoying having her here with us, and I hope it is helping them all deal with everything  a little bit better. I haven’t been able to do much else to help, because, well no one could do anything but I hate not being able to do something or help out in some way. So, getting to watch my niece, so my sister-in-law can travel over there is the really helping me out too, and I hope she is ok and not missing her daughter too much, I can tell you can she is doing fine, she misses her mummy but she’s a trooper. I cannot wait to have them all them back, including Grandad. Me and the children need to be able to say our goodbyes too, and until we have them all home, I don’t think I am going to sleep too well.

 

It’s really hard to describe how I am feeling. When someone dies, everything rushes through your mind from your own mortality to everyone else you have ever lost and for me, it always brings me back to my own dad. My father passed away 10 years ago, and I miss him a lot but life does continue and it becomes just something in the back of your mind. Grieving for someone never goes away, you just learn to cope and deal with it everyday. Sometimes certain things will remind me of him and I might get sad but mostly I find things that remind me of the good times we had, I like to think of him and be happy rather than sad that he isn’t here with us. But losing my father- in-law has reminded me that our family is slowly getting smaller and this does make me sad for myself and my own children. Mr BC lost his mum when he was young, my father passed away 10 years ago, and now with the recent loss of my father-in-law I feel saddened that we have to lose people and often without warning, explanation or time. My children are also down to only one grandparent, my mum, and it makes me scared. I feel like I need to wrap her up in cotton wool and never leave my side, which is ridiculous and silly. We are an open family, we talk about life and death and we can all share without getting sad or angry, I always thought I had a healthy approach to death, we do all die, we cannot plan for it, it happens to us all and me and my mum discuss what she wants all the time. But talking about it three weeks ago compared to thinking about it now, is completely different as death is so fresh in our minds, and even though we aren’t shy to share and discuss such things, I am again now, facing  the fact that one day my children will have no grandparents, we aren’t that close to aunts and uncles and we aren’t a massive family and all of this together makes me feel quite emotional. It’s really hard trying to find  silver lining, or see the rainbow after the rain when you get caught in this thinking though, and on days where I do feel like this, I get a little more understanding for people going through tough times. I am able to snap myself out of it, I have a wonderful support network or family, friends and colleagues, which helps me realise and remember that there are so many people in the world going through so much all the time, and that I will be ok. However, just because there are other people going through worse in the world, it doesn’t take away that we are going through a tough time, but it does help to keep things in perspective and to remember I have lived through a lot in my life time and I will make it through this too.

That is it for my sad post, I hadn’t meant to make it so sad but once I started writing I couldn’t keep it it. I think I needed to get this off my chest. It feels good to share with people, I don’t think we talk about grief, bad times or sadness enough. I just wanted to share that its ok to be sad, to grieve, to have bad days and however you deal with it, is ok! There is not right or wrong way, but if you are reading this and feeling any or all of those things, please remember that tomorrow is a new day, the sun will set and it will be beautiful, more challenges will pop up, life will continue and you have survived lots in your life and this too will soon pass. We will continue on, I will never forget the people I have lost, I will always be a little sad about somethings but I will also remember all the good things about them, I will see the beauty in the world, I will live with love in my heart for those people and I will carry on living life as best as I can so when we meet again, I can be content that I tried to live enough for all of them.

 

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